Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have broken up!
Well, they didn’t break up exactly. They “ended their engagement,” but for anyone in the world who has ever done so–or “taken a break” or “needed space”–the outlook is not good. Which is really shocking because, usually, when people get engaged at 19, it results in a baby after exactly nine months, followed by decades of resentment and yawning emotional distance. Then maybe a divorce.
Anyway, since we know that Miley Cyrus is a huge pop cultural talking point, we figured you might need a quick tipsheet about this earth-shattering and not-at-all surprising event. Here’s the best we could do, given our derision for everything pertaining to the situation and our unwillingness to do any additional Googling:
1. Before their reps confirmed, Cyrus sounded the breakup alarms by unfollowing Hemsworth on Twitter! ¡Escándalo!
2. Appropriately, Cyrus’ current single, “Wrecking Ball,” is about their tumultuous relationship–and the broken engagement couldn’t have happened at a better time with regards to promotion.
3. …Just kidding! Miley Cyrus doesn’t write her own songs. Like fifty professional music bros wrote “Wrecking Ball.”
4. There might have been some cheating. As in, perhaps with Mexican actress/model/singer Eiza Gonzalez. We don’t know, though, and who gives a shit?
4.5. Gonzalez is very pretty! Here she is wearing a belly top:
5. No, actually–there are some pretty incriminating photos of Hemsworth partying with her recently. Behold.
6. Pretty much anyone can call themselves an actress/model/singer these days. Just an observation.
7. Cyrus apparently instigated the breakup upon “coming to grips” with Hemsworth’s (multiple acts of?) infidelity. In this post’s one moment of sincerity, we’ll add that if it’s in fact true Hemsworth cheated, that fucking sucks.
8. Cyrus hasn’t been wearing the ring for a while, which is apparently an indication of trouble. Granted, we don’t really understand this marriage business.
9. God this is so boring.
10. This is still indisputably excellent promo for Cyrus’ new album, though.
(Photos of Cyrus, Hemsworth and Gonzalez via Getty, gifs of Nic Cage as Miley Cyrus via Heaven)