“She gets a ‘5’. SEND HER TO THE DUNGEONS.”

In the event you are an actor for some incomprehensible reason, I suggest you never attend an audition that is held at anything related to Scientology. Why? Because it’s creepy and you might wind up being somebody’s wife or girlfriend without realizing that you were even trying out for such a role. It’s almost like method acting, except you wind up with Tom Cruise and don’t get to return to real life after. Now, when Tom had a little rough streak after Penelope Cruz allegedly failed to convert to Scientology, the church supposedly started holding auditions for new spouses, as we reported a few months ago. This would’ve been weird in and of itself, but Tom Cruise wife auditions were held under creepy false pretenses which makes it fifty times stranger — and, according to a new book, involved hella famous actresses.

Earlier, we mentioned that Lindsay Lohan was auditioned in 2004 for a role in Mission: Impossible, only there was no movie. In Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lawrence Wright’s book, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood and the Prison Belief, Wright examines the serious weirdness that was those wife auditions. According to him, they were held at the religion’s Celebrity Center — which they seriously have, by the way — with some senior members of the church doing “unusual casting couch-style marriage interviews” in an attempt to find Cruise a new ladyfriend.

A few of these women auditioned included some very high-profile actresses, including Lohan — who was 18 at the time because things just had to get creepier! — as well as Jessica AlbaScarlett Johansson and Kate Bosworth. But then Cruise found Katie Holmes, got publicly obsessed with her and the rest is history.

I love history.

Of course, the church is denying anything of this nature, but so far, the Internet has collectively responded with a, “Lol sure.” But at the very least, I have a feeling the very few famous actresses (or rational human beings, for that matter) will be attending any form of audition at the church’s Celebrity Center for Misleading Women into Dating Crazy People.