It takes a boatload of things to make a relationship work: time, patience, the ability to compromise and so on. But most importantly, a relationship needs trust. Trust is the one thing that truly has the ability to instantly make or break a relationship. Whether your relationship is fresh and new or if you’ve been through the ringer together, it’s easy to say that you and your significant other trust each other. But when it comes down to it, do you really trust the person you’re sleeping next to at night?
Now, I’m not writing this to make you second guess the level of trust in your relationship (or your entire relationship as a whole), but it’s truly something that you need to be honest with yourself about. It might not be the easiest thing to admit but sometimes we want to validate our relationships to ourselves and to others. Saying that you and your significant other trust each other really makes it seem like it’s all rainbows and butterflies.
Like many other shitty relationship situations that many girls our age go through, you aren’t alone. Just take my past relationship situation, for example. It all started with a boy and a girl getting into a brand new relationship. We were young and it was fun, but as we grew up and life started to get more serious, we had to go through many new, adult experiences together. There were a serious test of trust to say the least.
We dated for over a year and as time went on, things got harder. Eventually we started arguing more, little things he did just pissed me off for no reason and eventually we ended things. But I knew deep down in my heart that since the first day of our relationship something was off.
You could say that our relationship might have even been doomed from the start because the sense of trust just wasn’t there. Whenever someone asked how we were, I’d lie and tell them everything was perfect. I never wanted to admit to others or even myself that there was an issue because I was comfortable with him and honestly, I didn’t want to be alone.
It was not until recently that I got into a relationship where there is security, compromise and, most importantly, trust, that I realized I was lying to myself for the entire year and a half that I dated my ex.
Looking back, these are some things that stick out to me now like a sore thumb in my past relationships.
1. You always feel the need to sneak a peek at their phone.
Not once was there an instance when I could be in my ex-boyfriend’s room with his phone while he was out of the room without sneaking a peek. I’d be sitting on his bed minding my own business and it would be on his dresser just staring at me, tempting me.
Whether it was checking his text messages, recent calls or voicemails, I had to check something. Yes, it gave me a slight sense of security when I didn’t find any dirt, but it also caused me to drive myself nuts. If he deleted all his messages, I instantly wondered what he had to hide. We would even get in fights when he would put a lock code on his phone because I felt like he just did it because there was something secretive inside that he didn’t want me to see.
In my current relationship not once have I ever felt the need to see what’s in his phone or even know his pass code for that matter. I love that he’s open with me about his phone. He never tries to hide his texts when he’s typing and because of that fact, I never feel the need to even peek over his shoulders.
2. Digging into their past relationships is like a second job.
Let me start off by saying, I knew everything about my ex’s exes. I knew where they were from, where they went to school, what they did in their spare time and even what they were good at in bed. He’d tell me about his “number” and immediately I wanted to know what their names were so I could go home and find them on social media to see what I was up against.
Sometimes he would casually mention his ex-girlfriends’ names like they still were friends so obviously I’d ask and he’d always beat around the bush. So I’d ask some more and before you knew it I’d be at home in bed scrolling through their Instagram pages.
In my current relationship, I honestly don’t even know what my boyfriends ex’s are named. I don’t know where they’re from or what they liked to do, all I know is that the past is the past. All we care about now is that we have each other.
3. You never want them going out with their friends without you.
I can’t even tell you how many times my ex-boyfriend said he wanted to go out with the guys and I’d be all naggy like “Noooo, stay here with me. Come onnnnn.” I realize now it wasn’t that I actually wanted him to stay at the house with me.. It’s more that I just didn’t want him to go out and make me sit home and wonder.
Oh, and how convenient was it that we were dating when he turned 21 and thought he was on top of the world? It was almost every night that he would go out drinking and every time I asked to go (obviously to supervise) it was “guys night” and “it would be weird if I went”. Can you say sketchy?
Now, in my current relationship, I encourage my boyfriend to go out with his friends. He’s responsible, trustworthy and caring and I know for a fact he wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt me.
4. You’re always second guessing when they tell you their whereabouts.
The second you receive that “gotta stay late at work” text, you are instantly on your shit trying to figure out if it’s the truth or not. Who called out? Did it get busy? What’s the deal?The fact that you have to take a second guess every time your significant other tells you the plans are changing is clearly not a good sign.
Right now, my boyfriend and I have no issue when we’re not physically together. When he tells me he’s out with the guys playing darts, I have no second guesses about if that’s really what he’s doing. It’s a great feeling not having to wrack your brain trying to figure out if your significant other is telling the truth about where he is.
5. Their social media activity almost always makes you curious.
Especially in our day and age when we’re posting our every move to Facebook and our every bite to Instagram, it only makes sense that eventually these social media platforms would create some sort of problem for modern relationships. In a trusting relationship, chances are social media doesn’t really matter. It’s more of just something to communicate with friends and family or watch stupid viral videos.
In a relationship where there may not be trust, social media probably drives you insane. Whether you see your significant other “liking” some girl’s Facebook status, double tapping someone’s Instagram photo, or retweeting their tweet, you almost immediately assume that there is something more than just innocent social media communication going on.
When it comes down to it, you should never have to feel like you’re fighting for your significant other. You are (or should be) the only one that has their attention. You should also never feel rushed or pressured. If you really trust your significant other, you know that they aren’t going anywhere. You aren’t in a rush to get things done with them because you know they’ll always be there by your side.