Valentine’s Day is either the worst or the best depending on how you look at things, but can we all agree that annoying couples proclaiming their Valentine’s Day love on the very public forum of Facebook is actually on par with all human suffering? I did a quick perusal of my Facebook newsfeed today and found examples of all the following types of awful Facebook interactions that make you feel like a peeping tom who just wants to punch everyone.
1. Look at how adorable I am
“Happy Valentine’s Day! Today, I packed an *extra special* lunch for Mike, complete with heart shaped sandwiches and love notes!”
Mike was so embarrassed when he had to eat a heart shaped sandwich at work. Mike wanted to curl up and die. Happy Valentine’s Day.
2. Shoutouts to singles
“Even though I’ve been married for three years now, I can’t help but feel for my former, single self. I always used to get so sad around Valentine’s Day and wonder when my true love would come along. So I just want to say that if you’re single today and find yourself feeling lonely, you truly never know when love will find you. Try to stay positive, because love could be just around the corner.”
People who write shit like this deserve to get hernias.
3. It’s our first Valentine’s Day! (with unneccesary photo from last week)
“Lorraine and I are having our first Valentine’s Day together and our two month anniversary. It just makes this day extra special. I love you, Lorraine.”
You’re right. Your day is way more special than all the other idiots who are going to go home from work and try to have sustained eye-contact sex to the Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights soundtrack. I think two months is the anniversary where she lets you put it in her ear or something.
4. It’s our first Valentine’s Day as fiancés/marrieds!
“There’s nothing quite like your first Valentine’s Day as a married couple. Just being able to say ‘My husband is taking me out for a romantic dinner’ gives me butterflies. HUSBAND!”
Unless getting married makes food taste better, I am unimpressed by this.
5. The Disgustingly Sexual Update
“Tim left a bouquet of red roses on the counter when he left for work this morning!!! Someone’s going to get a special gift tonight! ;)”
I didn’t consent to you winking at me with that emoticon.
6. I forced my children to be my Valentine
This normally just entails a picture of some unhappy looking toddlers wearing Valentine’s costumes and something horrifying like “Mommy’s little Valentine! They know Mommy comes first!” This also happens with dogs and cats. I guarantee that your cat has no interest in being your Valentine and is like “oh God. Online date or something.”
7. Engagement throwback
“One year ago today, John decided to put a ring on it while we vacationed at Sandals Jamaica. The whole resort cheered while I cried and looked into the eyes of the man I knew I’d spend the rest of my life with. I can’t wait to walk down the aisle and become his wife in two months! #JohnJanice2014”
And I can’t wait to see the two month count down and hash tag every single day.
8. Public conversations via statuses, complete with horrifying nicknames
“Sooooooo excited to spend tonight with my baby!”
“Can’t wait to see you, beautiful! I love you!”
“I love you so much I can’t wait for you to come home from work!”
“I miss you you are my greatest treasure.”
“No you are! You’re the best thing in my life!”
Can literally everyone shut up? Some of us are trying to give ourselves lobotomies over here.
9. SHE SAID YES!
“Today, I took a deep breath, got down on one knee, and proposed to the most beautiful, caring, kind, humble, supportive, creative woman on earth and asked her to spend her life with me. Looking into her eyes, I just knew that we were created to be together, and that I didn’t want to spend another day without being married to her. I’m happy to announce to you that SHE SAID YES, and I am the happiest man on earth.”
10. Excessive gift giving
“Larry already sent TWO different bouquets of roses to my office this morning AND bought me the necklace I’d pinned and fawned over for the last six months! When I called to tell him thank you, he told me that this was just the beginning and there was MORE coming later! MORE gifts??? I am so blessed to truly have the best man in the whole world! I love you, Larry!”
The other gifts are giving Larry a blowjob, and your husband’s taste in flowers sucks.