Your vagina is too loose. You are old and people will not find you sexually attractive anymore unless you buy a product. Luckily, it just so happens there is a product for that, and it’s called Virgin Cream. (Don’t try Googling it unless you want a lot of porn to show up on your screen. Trust me. Oh, and you should definitely also not type it into YouTube.) Supposedly, this cream can tighten your vaginal muscles and is way cheaper than that weird surgery you can get, but not cheaper than Kegel exercises. It is based on something called Aleppo Oak Gall, which just sounds itchy. Their website guarantees that thousands of men will have sex with you. Thousands! You can be like the girl version of Wilt Chamberlain! And then your vagina will be loose and floppy and disgusting again, and you can just buy more Virgin Cream and start all over again!

Do you think they give you a refund if you use the product and don’t regrow your hymen?