If you are a person who does not exclusively has sexual relations within the confines of a monogamous relationship, including marriage, you have likely experienced the fascinating glory that is the one night stand. Should this indeed be the case, you have also likely experienced the dreaded–yet oddly endeared–“walk of shame.”
Urban Dictionary defines the walk of shame as follows:
the walk across campus in the same clothes as yesterday after you slept with someone and spent the night in their dorm room
And also this PG-13 version of the same concept but with more detail:
In slightly more eloquent terms, it’s when you have stayed the evening having sexual relations with somebody at in his or her abode, then need to get home the next day and do not look so great.
Despite its infamous nature, the walk of shame is not quite as awful as one who has not experienced it makes it sound. In fact, with depictions like that of the aptly-titled and upcoming film Walk Of Shame, it’s no wonder that college freshman crumble in their boots whilst imagining that awkward fraternity row walk home in the previous night’s sequined dress. Let’s talk about what it’s actually like to do it, shall we?
1. Expectation: You are able to sneak out undetected like a
whisper kitten in the night.
Reality: You two wake up at the same time due to your alarm going off at 8 AM with that horrible “Church Bells” ringtone.
2. Expectation: You wake up looking like the Bride of Frankenwine–not at all like the pretty, polished evening prior.
Reality: Chill, girl. Aside from some messy hair, you’re fine.
3. Expectation: Oh well, at least the night before was a sexy blur of moderate intoxication and happy sexy fun times, right?
Reality: The sex was profoundly “meh” due to you both being mildly intoxicated.
4. Expectation: Well, since you’re up, at least you two can exchange numbers and even plans for “next time,” right?
Reality: LOL please tell us you didn’t think this.
5. Expectation: You two exchange a quick (albeit awkward) kiss goodbye.
Reality: Don’t do that. Morning breath. Just go.
6. Expectation: You walk out of his room and there are like 18 frat boys yelling and cheering at you from the hallway as their judgmental girlfriends look on.
Reality: Nobody is awake, and if they are, you’ll exchange a quick “hello” then leave.
7. Reality: Your makeup’s dramatically smeared as you walk out the door.
Expectation: You ask to use the bathroom. You remove any excess eyeliner and mascara flakes. You’re good.
8. Expectation: You’re forced to walk home with your high heels in hand and bandage dress hiked up.
Reality: You wore the heels the night before, so you can probably bear to wear them another 10 minutes. Or just take ’em off Emma Thompson style.
9. Expectation: In a moment of stunned shock, you realize you’ve left the token pink panties in his room, which will wind up being mocked and passed around between his roommates.
Reality: It is actually very difficult to forget to put on your underwear. Also, nobody passes around underwear and if they do, that is much more embarrassing for them than you, capisce?
10. Expectation: Everyone who sees you walking knows what you’ve been up to. They’re all staring. Judging.
Reality: Nobody gives a shit what you did last night; they’re too busy Instagramming brunch.