cosmo surpriseSome duder named Frank Kobola knows what boys like. He knows what guys want…all guys. The altruistic spokesman for men shares the “6 Things All Guys Want In Bed” with Cosmopolitan readers. Finally, a guide on how to do sex for his pleasure.

Let’s go over a few samples from his guide on how to make men not hate having sex with you so that you don’t have to die alone:

1. We want you to talk dirty.

It’s not like you need to narrate everything that’s happening, but you’d be surprised what a few well-placed dirty words can do to a guy. Not everyone is comfortable doing this, but there’s no need to venture too far out of your comfort zone. Words and phrases like “wet,” “feels so good,” and “harder” can still work wonders. Just don’t get too clinical: “I can confirm your penis is inside my vagina” isn’t going to do it for anyone.

Some people are really into dirty talk. Cool for them, but I take issue with dirty talk for the sake of dirty talk. Once I had a jerky dude respond to me saying something he was doing to my crotch felt good with a rude “of course it feels good, I’m rubbing your clit.” No, not “of course it feels good” because it might not feel good. I said so not because I wanted to arouse anyone just by mumbling erotically, but because I wanted him to know that the specific action felt good and to keep doing it. Telling someone to just say naughty things takes the meaning out of the filth. Dirty talk is totally A+, but only do it if you mean it.

On to another way to make boys like you by sexually pleasing them:

4. We want to be surprised.

I’ll admit, some guys can be intimidated if you start pulling out vibrators out from underneath the mattress in the middle of sex. But throwing some new things in there to shake up your lovemaking is really never a bad idea. You can even make the sex itself a surprise: jump your significant other in the hallway or on the stairs and just turn it into a sex session. Moments like that, where you can’t control yourself and just have to have us are always appreciated. Introducing some costumes, his-and-her lubricants, toys, and role-playing can also work. Just keep in mind that some of this stuff is outside of people’s comfort zones. Make sure you know what your guy likes before you bust out the latex nun outfit and rubber fist.

This one is rich, but I want to focus on this one gem of a sentence: “You can even make the sex itself a surprise: jump your significant other in the hallway or on the stairs and just turn it into a sex session.” All I have to say to that is “get consent” and not just for that latex nun outfit he mentioned. Surprises and trying new things are fun, but costumes and sex toys are really different from sneak attacks. My lovely co-worker Frances put it this way: “There’s a word for surprise sex. It’s not sex.”

Next universally beloved sex behavior:

6. We want you to feed us pizza.

This one might just be me, but I have a feeling it isn’t.

Wait…that’s actually a good tip, but that’s something everyone wants in bed, not just guys.

Read the rest of the sex tips here. Seriously, this list is one men’s button down away from being a Cosmo classic. As shitty as the magazine and website have been for so long, I was expecting better than this. Cosmopolitan is after all, allegedly such a feminist rag that it might as well be a sanitary napkin.

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