I. Just. Can't.

I. Just. Can’t.

I very rarely read Cosmopolitan. It’s just not my jam, and when something isn’t my jam, I steer clear of it like a plague infested rat — even if that rat is rocking a bow-tie and top hat. But when someone retweets a word I don’t know and the link goes back to Cosmo, I have to click. I have zero control over the muscles in my hands; there is a spasm and before I know it, I’m finding out things I either never wanted to know, or really didn’t need to have in my brain.

Jelqing (that “q” is pronounced as “k”):

a natural penis enlargement attempt in which a guy squeezes and strokes his member in an effort to force blood flow to the tip, hypothetically stretching length and girth. Believed to have its roots in the ancient Middle East, jelqing is sometimes called “milking,” which conjures up unwelcome images of milking a cow.


This is where I say my usual, and soon to be trademarked phrase, “what the fucking fuck?” There are men sitting around in the world, milking their number one buddy in the hopes of making it grow? This is a thing? No. I refuse to believe this malarkey.

OK. I’m relaxed and have accepted it to be a possibility.

Now watch the NSFW video and tell me it doesn’t look like the man in question isn’t just jerking off in a weird, slow moving type of way. It’s almost as if he’s seducing his cock into the next stage of the game; that stage being stroking the salami, obviously. Men and their goddamn penises; I swear.

But does it work? Go ahead and take a guess. The answer may surprise you.

NO! (Of course not!)

In fact jelqing can do some major damage to the member by not only desensitizing it, but leading to scars and disfigurement. Then what does one do? How does the fella explain that his dick now looks like a hot dog that exploded in the microwave? “Oh, I was trying to make it bigger.” Yeah, that’s definitely going to fly with the ladies.

I think we’ve all learned our vocabulary lesson for the day. All we can do now is spread the word and try not to laugh in the process.


Photo: Someecards