Recently this has been a topic among my girlfriends: is it better to have the great love of your life who may be lacking in the sex department of your relationship, or is it better to sacrifice a great love for someone who knows what they’re doing in the sack?
Although I won’t be naming names, I have been hopelessly, all-consuming in love twice in my life. Once in my very early 20’s, then later on and far more recently. The way I felt, and still feel, about these two men is so intense and so selfless that there is no doubt in my mind that I love(d) them with just about every ounce of my being. I can also say that of the handful of men I’ve slept with (and I say “handful” for the sake of my mother who’s probably reading this), neither one of these loves was anything to write home about when it came to the sex end of things.
The first love, we can blame on youth, inexperience and an overall lack of really knowing your body and how to communicate to the other person what gets you off. As an adult, I have since had sex with him again, and I must say it’s pretty much night and day. What a difference several years make! The second love’s bedroom behavior can absolutely be attributed to our lifestyle — it’s hard to have really great sex when your relationship is about drinking, drinking, fucking, then more drinking. But, wow, did he and I have fun.
However, it has been the extremely short-lived flings that stand out as the fellas who not only knew what they were doing, but were willing to take risks when it came to sex. They knew what they wanted, they weren’t afraid to ask for what I wanted and what came of it all were some fantastically hot sexual experiences.
As I type this, an acquaintance of mine is preparing to get married to a man with whom she’s never once had an orgasm. When I say “preparing,” she’s actually somewhere in the city being fitted for a dress at this moment. A few weeks ago when a bunch of us got together her lack of orgasming with her soon-to-be husband came up, as did the fact that having sex with him was sort of dull. When she tried to bring new things into the mix, he’d give it a try, but so unenthusiastically that she quit trying. Of course someone at the table brought up the Charlotte and Trey situation from Sex and the City and our conversation evolved from there into what is more important: sex or love? Even the greatest of orgasms only last a few seconds, whereas love, if you find the right person can last forever — or at least this is what I’ve learned from diamond commercials.
While the acquaintance in this scenario will be walking down the aisle before the summer’s end, there were still a couple girlfriends at the table who were adamant about sex being just as important as love. Sure, when you’re in your 90’s you may not want to have it anymore, but at least you’ll have the memory of how great it had been was one argument; while another friend argued that you shouldn’t buy a car that only has three wheels.
In a society that puts so much emphasis on sex and one that uses it to sell just about everything, exactly how important is sex, or rather great sex, to your relationship? Would you jump ship if you couldn’t get both love and sex equally great; or would you sacrifice one for the other?