I have read about a whole slew of excuses as to why someone might turn down the opportunity to have sex. One that always comes to mind is “I have a headache.” Personally, I’ve yet to hear that or even use it, because when I have a headache I want sex. Sex takes the focus away from the throbbing pain in my skull and places my attention on other parts of my body. Granted, a debilitating migraine that causes nausea and an inability to be in anyplace with light, is a different story. But nine times out of 10, I’ll take the sex despite my headache.

I have never made an excuse for not wanting to have sex. Mostly because I always want to have it and if I don’t, I come right out and say “no thank. I will pass.” I then proceed to roll over and wonder if that was rude. However, in less than a week’s time I have received two excuses from Tattoo Guy as to why he didn’t want to have sex, and I do not approve.

On Saturday night after we went to dinner, his reason for not coming home with me was “I don’t want to fuck you on a full stomach — I’m totally stuffed and just want to go to sleep.” Um, OK, I thought; then I took a brief poll of my friends to see if they had ever heard of such a thing. Overall their responses ranged from “it happens,” to “no one wants to fuck after eating a pound of risotto,” and “you’re over-analyzing this so shut-up, because you’re annoying me.” I love my friends.

Then last night another attempt to lure Tattoo Guy into my clutches, or more specifically, my lady parts, was unsuccessful. The excuse this time? “I’m not having sex with you until you try oysters and see what it does to your sex drive.” Well, Tattoo Guy, I don’t like oysters, I will never eat oysters so quit trying to make excuses for not giving up the goods. This time it was Tattoo Guy who told me I was over-analyzing things, and that I was a brat. He was right, of course. He also followed that up with how in not having sex everyday, it increases the “longing” factor. Again: um, OK.

I get that he’s a bit older than my usual flings, but seriously? Is this what happens when people get into their late-30’s? No more sexy times all the time? You tell me the most ridiculous excuses you’ve been given so we can try to figure out this mess together.

On a side note, I’ll be eating oysters tonight against my will.