I love Valentine’s day. And no, I’m not just saying that due to a healthy dose of iconoclasm.

Okay. I am a little bit, because I think there are too many spray-tanned girls running around shrieking giddily about how they hate V-Day, and how it’s just awful, and I was to be different like Daria and Wednesday Addams. But I am sincere in my love for Valentine’s Day.


Why not? It’s fantastic. It’s a holiday. Holidays by their very nature mean parties and drinking and having an excuse to dress up in unusual outfits. Who hates holidays? You see people running around bitching about how much they hate St. Patrick’s Day? Really? Who? Leprechauns?

On a personal, stupid level, I love Valentine’s day because pink is my favorite color. Look, if you ever ask me my favorite color, I will stare at you like you’re a moron and reply “puce.” Real talk: I’m going to lie to your face. That’s because I know after a certain age it’s ridiculous to have a favorite color, but secretly, I do, and it’s pink. I like it because it’s a happy, cheerful color that reminds me of cupcake frosting, and Funny Face and the “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” number. However, because I want to be taken seriously if I ever go into meetings, I generally wear gray, black or navy blue dresses. Valentine’s Day is an excuse to break out my little pink Jackie Kennedy dress, and that’s enough for me. If nothing else happened, I’d like it just on the merit of that. I think a lot of people have a heart necklace, or a red skirt, or something else they don’t break out daily that’s appropriate for the occasion, and I like that.

But maybe you don’t think pink. That’s fine. Your loss, loser.

You like parties?

Oh, good, because one of your friends is having one! I almost guarantee you they are. Oh, for heaven’s sake, go check Facebook. Yes, you’re invited. Go there, dance on a Monday, buy some champagne ostensibly “for the party” and drink half of it yourself. Will it be fun? Yes, it will be! You’ve got half a bottle of Bolly in your belly, and it’s fine, because even though it’s a Monday, it’s also Valentine’s Day! Now get up there and sing all the words to “Tonight I’m Fuckin’ You”!

Wait, you say you’re a hermit? Hey, that’s cool. Me too. Valentine’s Day was made for hermits like us! Why? Because this is the day that you’re most likely to have a romance start without having to endure any manner of social awkwardness. Like, normal outside non-lepers, they go out to “the clubs” and… I honestly have no idea. They do things, and then they are dating people.

But hermits like us? We really have to wait until someone sends us a 50 page “sonnet” (words written in crayon, blood, none of them rhyming) that likens us to a minor battle in the Peloponesian War (THIS IS A LOVE TIP FOR MEN READING THIS ARTICLE) before we can realize that they’re interested in us. There is a higher than average possibility of this happening on Valentine’s Day. I’m not saying it’s necessarily going to happen, but the odds are way better than they are on your run of the mill day.

It’s a day full of a lot of possibilities, that’s what I’m saying.

And yes, the possibilities extend as much to single people as they do to people in relationships. I think one of the principal complaints leveled against Valentine’s dayis that it’s a holiday to make single people feel bad. No. It’s not. It’s a holiday to boost sales for greeting card companies and florists – just like every other holiday. And, like every other holiday, it pretty much is what you make it.

You’re worried that you’ll feel like a loser because no one gets you a card or flowers? Jesus, God, do you have any idea how many people love you? If you want some drugstore candy, just talk to your friends/family/fellow lepers beforehand. Say you sort of want to celebrate. Or just slip them a note saying “you’re my Valentine now, bitch. Gird your loins. I’m buying you something meaningless or edible.” Either way.

I have a pact with one of my friends that, regardless of whether we have boyfriends/girlfriends, we are always each other’s Valentine. So we do something to commemorate the day. Sometimes he gets me flowers, sometimes I rip off a Barbie Doll’s head, hide her body in his apartment weeks beforehand with a heart shaped piece of cardboard on which I’ve scrawled “You Make Me Lose My Head Like Anne Boleyn.” Obviously, there are different ways to say “I Love You.”
If you have romantic love that is fantastic. That’s seriously great. But romantic love is just one piece of the love pie, not the crust, filling and whipped cream on top. There’s nothing wrong with a holiday that reminds us to say “I Love You” to people we, you know, love. And it’s better when it’s an excuse for you to buy them an ice cream cake which you will “share” with them.

Ultimately, Valentine’s Day is just another holiday. It’s supposed to be fun. Figure out what will make it fun for you, and then do that. I can’t say what that is, but I’m guessing ice cream cake and champagne is a good start.