mitt romney

Have you read the article in the National Review entitled Like A Boss? People kept sending it to me because they thought it was a joke. Literally everyone I knew thought that the article – which claims that women all go for men with money! And power! – was based on such bunk science that it was a joke. “This is hilarious! Have you seen this!?” Their e-mails read “I think this is a parody!” I can see why they thought that. The article contains lines like:

“Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched….From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs….We don’t do harems here, of course, but Romney is exactly the kind of guy who in another time and place would have the option of maintaining one. He’s a boss.”

Their argument is “he’s a boss.”

Just so you can reference the origin of that phrase:

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, okay, National Review, I think one reason Mitt is not going to get 100% of the female vote is because women will prioritize health care issues over voting for candidates we want to bone. It’s because we don’t think entirely with our vaginas. For our elderly GOP audience – vaginas can’t think (although they can prevent forest fires properly equipped!) Frankly, given that the Republican party seems to have been taken over by people who think that the uterus contains magical powers, I have a hard time seeing why any woman votes Republican. And I say that while really, really hating paying taxes and continuing to await Alex P. Keaton’s nomination.

The thing is, since the sight of a blue blazer makes my heart go pitter-pat, and every Fuck Marry Kill we’ve ever done indicates that I will gravitate towards men who can afford private school tuition for our kids, and I am awaiting Alex P. Keaton’s nomination so I can campaign, I can sort of see where they’re coming from. The target audience of that article was pretty much me.

But I have zero desire to sleep with Mitt Romney. I should. If you pitched me “tall, good looking millionaire” I’d generally see those as selling points. Great selling points. Except. No, no, in Mitt’s case I just can’t quite imagine sleeping with him. I’d like him. I’d respect him. I think he’d be a good boss. And, as a boss, if he ever made a pass at me, I see myself very discreetly reporting it to HR and asking to be reassigned.

I think it’s because Mitt never seems relaxed. In every instance he seems stiff, not just in his speech patterns – although who can forget “Lemon. Wet. Good.” ? – but in his very movements. The way Mitt carries himself, unfortunately, continually reminds me of Edgar in Men in Black. Remember Edgar?



Women don’t just want to sleep with guys who are rich and powerful. Women want to sleep with guys who are comfortable in their own skin.  I think this is true for people of both genders (and believe me, as a figet-y, type A person I sincerely wish that were not the case). It may not be fair to want to sleep with people who seem fluid and comfortable, but we do, whether it’s fair or not. And it’s a shame because there’s not much stiff types can do about the way they carry themselves – remember when poor Al Gore or John Kerry tried to adopt cooler mannerisms? It only deprived them of the gravitas which might have been their appeal.

Having money and power can do a lot in terms of making people seem slightly more comfortable, mostly because they will likely be less stressed about being poor and under-appreciated, but clearly, in Mitt’s case, it can’t do everything.

And Obama just seems so, well, cool. I mean, look at this, look at his cool little smile at Ellen, look at how he waves kind of casually, and compare it to watching Romney lurch about:


Sure, women want money and power, but they also want men who seem like they are not taking themselves seriously every second of every day. And I think Mitt does seem to take himself very seriously. I think that’s his personality, and I think that was probably very helpful to be a serious minded person when he was running Bain. I do not think this is a bad thing. I think it is a good thing for the head of a corporation to be pretty serious, but that does not make women want to sleep with you.

This is what women mean when they say they want a man with a sense of humor. They mean they want someone who seems comfortable with themselves. And its become a joke how bad Mitt Romney is at making jokes. He always looks as though he is trying to force himself to be whimsical. And it always makes me feel uncomfortable, as though I have pulled my uncle out of a board meeting and forced him to do a stand-up comedy routine. I think it makes everyone involved feel bad.

Not that I think this is a problem for him, because I think Mitt has a really happy marriage. I don’t think Mitt needs – or wants – 100% of women to want to sleep with him. But when Ann Romney said that she was shocked that everyone couldn’t see how funny Mitt was, I thought “wow, she must really love him.”

And that is why Mitt Romney will not get 100% of the female vote. Because he keeps moving and saying things that seem to indicate that, while not a Kenyan socialist, he is a recent visitor to our planet who learned human via Rosetta Stone.

That, and I think the Mormon underwear just presents its own set of fantasy hurdles.