Look, John Westwood doesn’t want to be friends.

All he wants to do is “satisfy your carnal lust by giving you powerful orgasms.”And he’s trying to find women by leaving handwritten notes in women’s magazines. Because, actually Cosmopolitan readers do seem like people who’d appreciate that, maybe. Maybe? Nah.

Huh.

You know, if this were a woman leaving notes in men magazines, I think she’d get some enthusiastic responses. So far, John Westwood has gotten zero. Nobody wants him.

I mean, we’re not going to take him up on his offer, because we’ve watched American Psycho over 700 times, but were not going to judge you if you are. We just want you to know that. If you do, write us and let us know how it goes.