Am I winking or having a stroke? You tell me!

Help you guys! I’m sitting here in my leopard coat again, drinking Zero calorie Monster and planning go get broccoli soup later!

And now that soup idea is gross, because over at XOJane, this is happening:

I certainly didn’t intend to go from gratuitous complimenting to doing it with clothes on, but I did nothing to stop that progression either. I was focused on pleasing, you see. And I was actually enjoying myself for the most part. When Top gently patted his lap and invited me to sit on his crotch, I did acquiesce. I’m no prude, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

Now, hands beneath blouse, I readjust my bra while assessing the task of reviving the dismembered couch before me. The powerful media executive I just dry-humped on plush suede fumbles about his expansive, neutral-toned office.

“If I don’t find a tissue to wipe the cum off my dick fast –”

“You’ll have to order a cream-based soup for lunch and accidentally spill it on those perfectly pressed flat front khakis to explain away the stains?”

Amused by my sass, Top pauses to shake his head before resuming his search.

That is a real quote from an article called “I Use My Sexuality To Get Ahead At Work.” Moreover, those are real words that real people reportedly said aloud, in the real world.

I don’t think I’ve ever said anything like that. I just really, really like to keep food and bodily fluids separate. But that’s me! Though, sometimes, in the morning, I ask my boyfriend if he’d like breakfast. Sometimes he says “yes, where should we go?” because there is no food in my house. It’s pretty hot. But I don’t think that’s the same thing as using my sexuality to get ahead at work.

The XOJane writer notes:

Whether we can have it all, or not, I believe that sexuality is a tool, and that it’s up to an individual to use it, or not. Be the geisha who can topple a cyclist by staring him in the eyes if you can — and want to — be.

Well, yes, that was a good scene in Memoirs of a Geisha! Yes! That was amusing. I will accomplish that by wearing an elegant kimono and painting my face white, as they did in the book. That will do it. No? The writer explains:

I flounced about his office, posing somewhat thoughtful questions about the decorative accents representing his various career achievements. So you spent time in Africa? What was it like shaking hands with the President? How the hell did you find time to train for a marathon?

A good Work Flirt can feign sincere interest in even the most mundane miniature wooden statue. A good Work Flirt constantly gathers intelligence so she can summon relevant details later, showcasing that she bothered to remember them. Wasn’t that the takeaway from Groundhog Day? A good Work Flirt is agreeable and energetic and does whatever it takes to project ease and to foster comfort.

So, some basic questions:

Should I stop wearing my leopard fur coat as I sit here every day? If so, should I replace it with say, hotpants? It’s pretty cold in the office.

I seriously look like a stoke victim when I wink. Is that going to be a problem?

My boss is a woman. Should I still try sit on her lap? She’s very nice. I have a meeting with her later today, so if you could get back to me ASAP it would help.

Memoirs of A Geisha was a pretty good book, huh?

Should I ask everyone what it is like to be friends with the president, or, only, like, 50% of the people?

HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND TIME TO TRAIN FOR A MARATHON? YOU MUST BE SLEEP DEPRIVED. YOU LOOK AWFUL. FUCKING AWFUL. (Like that?)

What if I just told powerful men my “It was all a dream” theory on Groundhog Day? Would they like that, do you think?

You actually said “perfectly pressed flat front khakis” immediately after you dry humped someone to orgasm? Really?

Should I carry tissues on me at all times waving them about like flags of vulnerability and defeat?

PLEASE HELP, EVERYONE. ALSO, IS IT FUN BEING FRIENDS WITH THE PRESIDENT? WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH THE PRESDIENT? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RIDE A BIKE. WHAT KIND OF SOUP SHOULD I GET FOR LUNCH? IS THIS SEXY? I AM WINKING NOW. 

Topple, you bastard, topple.