Everyone keeps talking about how being in love can cure pain. There’s all these studies that have come out recently making claims that love produces hormones and some other chemical mumbo jumbo that replace feelings of pain, hurt and agony. A recent YourTango article looks into these studies and suggests that maybe romantic love can replace painkillers. Well, I’m looking into these studies and I suggest that romantic love can never replace painkillers. I’m not talking about being addicted to painkillers. I’m talking about how romantic love can never have the success rate of painkillers such as ibuprofen, and more specifically Advil. It’s not that I don’t think falling in love isn’t great, because it is. But when you’re in pain, Advil is a more dependable, viable painkiller than romantic love. Here are two solid reasons why:

1. Advil is sugar coated. Romantic love is not. If your relationship is sugar coated then it is based on false pretenses and won’t last. Advil is sugar coated so that it tastes good. Romantic love will never taste good sugar coated. It will only taste worst, especially in the end. Oh, and that’s when the pain sets in. When Advil is at its end, the pain is gone.

2. Advil is always there for you when you’re hurting. When you have a muscle cramp or headache, Advil will always make it go away. Romantic love will just tell you that “it will be okay” and lessen the pain for a short while because you think someone cares about you. But the back rub from a romantic lover always comes to an end because giving back rubs is a terrible chore.

Basically my point is that scientists need to stop wasting time on research with obvious conclusions such as, “If you’re in a romantic relationship, then you are happier” because so many more reliable things can replace the “romantic relationship” part of that hypothesis. Other things that induce the same painkilling hormones as romantic love:

  • Chocolate
  • Exercise
  • Wealth
  • Sleep
  • Puppies
  • Alcohol (to an extent)
  • Vacations
  • Sunshine
  • Rainbows
  • Unicorns

And Advil. So stopping claiming that your love is your drug (especially you, Ke$ha. We all know there are other drugs involved). Your love is your love and makes you generally happy. But it can’t cure headaches, backaches and hangovers. And foot cramps. Foot cramps are the worst.