Well, I guess we finally know who the real victim in the Boston this past week was. It’s some guy who write for Esquire whose one night stand was made, like, totally awkward because of all those people in his immediate vicinity getting shot at and dying.
You know, just in case you thought for a moment that you might be people.
You’re not people. More
Have you seen Mila Kunis‘s sexy, glistening skin in Esquire and thought “if I pay enough for a product – specifically $120 – I will look exactly like that?” You are an idiot. Or at least, the British skin care company Rodial thinks you are an idiot. More
As we mentioned, noted bombshell Megan Fox has the cover and corresponding interview of this month’s Esquire. In previews, the piece had already made the rounds for douchey quotes: Megan compares being famous to being bullied, yet still doesn’t see why people would rather spend their sympathy on those without mansions and Bentleys. Now, the full profile has made it online and intrepid bloggers have finally managed to read it. Turns out, the whole thing is about as fun as sticking pins in your eyes. More
This February’s Esquire features one of men’s magazines’ favorite covergirls: Megan Fox, open cardigan and pouty queasy facial expression included! In the accompanying interview, she discusses everything from her sex appeal, why being famous is like being bullied in high school on a “massive scale” and the Book of Revelations. Of course, this interview wouldn’t be complete without some Megan Fox quotes wherein she gets sassy about other people, would it? More
Ladies, Esquire 1949 is here to help you understand how to be attractive to men (and whether your crazy hat is already attractive men!) Take note of no. 5: Do men marvel at your capacity to hold your liquor?
They shouldn’t. Don’t be afraid to be a sloppy mess. Let your mascara just run down your face in rivulets, lady. More
Charles put his fine-lipped crystal whiskey glass down on his mirrored side table and sighed. The Vermont-milled whiskey stones sat slowly defrosting in the empty glass, staring accusingly up at him.
How many personal leather-bound shaving kits did a man with only one face need, he wondered. Was thirty enough? Forty? More
$10 says the tabloids will soon make Demi Moore the new Jennifer Aniston due to this declaration! And the winner is… More
In the November issue of Esquire UK, cover girl Cameron Diaz demonstrates her rebelliousness once again by wearing a leather jacket and pointing her crotch at us like, “hey, here’s my crotch.” Also, her boobs. What a maverick! The “spread” was shot, as every stupid thing always seems to be, by Terry Richardson, who I imagine lies awake nights wondering how he can make his pictures even more cartoonishly obvious and unsexy than before (but not in a smart, satirical way). Have at them. More
Rihanna has forsaken clothes. More
EIC NOTE: THEGLOSS IS A LOT LIKE ESQUIRE EXCEPT FOR HOW IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFERENT. LIKE ESQUIRE ON ASPERGER’S. More
At this point, if I were Rihanna, I’d just never even bother with a shirt anymore. More
Ladies, just so you know, Esquire writer Chris Jones isn’t impressed with your stupid possession of a vagina. More
Esquire recently published a feature entitled “Why We Cheat” by Lisa Taddeo, which details her trysts with married men in elaborately, impressively purple prose. TheGloss is appalled all over and we think a better title might be, “Why Lisa Taddeo Is An Asshole,” because she spends a few thousand words explaining how being on the “side of the winners” is all about hating other women but loving to fuck their husbands! Actual sentence: “Every time I meet a married woman, I think about the things she does that likely annoy her husband.” Anyway, editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff are still reeling. Here, they dissect infidelity, why they wouldn’t fuck each other’s husbands and all the awesome shit they’ll do for their husbands to keep them from sleeping with Lisa Taddeo (like rappelling from ceilings unexpectedly)! More