Topic: fear

Questions I Asked Myself As I Thought The Plane Might Crash

Questions I Asked Myself As I Thought The Plane Might Crash

I’ve never classified myself as “strong.” I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of the sun. I am afraid of unfamiliar people, surroundings and situations. I am the first person to say, “Guys, I don’t think this is a good idea” and the last person to jump the fence. But for some reason, I’m strangely calm in situations where I think I might die.

I have been faced with the very real possibility of death only twice, and I have learned that while I cry when I fall down the stairs, I do not get upset when I am hit by cars or punched in the face or when the plane seems like it might go down. More »

Why I Will Always Be Afraid Of Walking Alone

Why I Will Always Be Afraid Of Walking Alone

One evening, I took the train with a friend for the first time. It was the middle of winter, so the sun went down before 5 PM each night. Since I had never been on the train before, I grossly underestimated how long it would take to get home; by the time I got to my stop, it was already dark. I got off and quickly walked in the direction of my house.

Then I heard it: scrrraaaaape. More »

My Lifelong Goal Is To Be A Mother, But Now I Am Too Depressed & Afraid To Have Children

My Lifelong Goal Is To Be A Mother, But Now I Am Too Depressed & Afraid To Have Children

Yes, I have always known about the bad, bad things our world holds around every corner and down every lane and across every hallway. There are awful things that happen all day, every year. But for some reason I can’t quite pinpoint, I can’t help but be so frighteningly aware of them that the prospect of having a child now upsets me. All I can imagine is crying. Just crying. More »

Why Does Pepper Spray Have To Be Pink?

Why Does Pepper Spray Have To Be Pink?

As women, we’re taught to adjust our way of life to circumvent danger. Don’t walk alone at night. Don’t leave the bar without friends. Watch your drink. Don’t get too drunk. Where something you can run in. Keep your cell phone charged in case somebody follows you. Cry “fire,” not “rape.” Take self defense classes. Carry pepper spray. Always glance over your shoulder, behind your front seat and outside your door. But I don’t want to be afraid, nor don’t want a pink stun gun. And why the fuck are there even pink brass knuckles shaped like cats, anyway? More »

I’m No Longer F*cked Up, But I Still Go To Therapy. You Should, Too.

Iâm No Longer F*cked Up, But I Still Go To Therapy. You Should, Too.

Even though I’m into meditation, questioning life, and Buddhism, I’m pretty much the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. I’m the kind of person who does Bikram Hot Yoga and then lights up a cigarette the minute I’ve said Namaste. The kind of broad who has Buddha figurines all around her house, yet ends up using one to throw in a fit of rage. The kind of person who ends up having an anxiety attack whenever she tries to truly relax. You know, the kind of woman who has an Eastern mudra necklace that is supposed to ward off negativity, but sadly bought it from Lauren Conrad’s line at Kohls.

I mean, but at least I try. It’s also why therapists love me. I’m neurotic and I know it, but hey, I do TRY. More »

Chasing Thirty: The Fear

Chasing Thirty: The Fear

Tell me if this happens to you.

You’re at the gym or driving your car or brushing your teeth (these are the places my ideas tend to strike) and you have an epiphany. All of the things you’ve been letting marinate for months suddenly coalesce and you have the solution: how to achieve your goal whether it’s getting the attention of someone you’ve secretly been pining for or starting a company or spending a year in Paris. You stand for a moment like an animal frozen just between fight and flight. Is this a brilliant idea or a stupid one? You know it’s pretty far in one direction or the other but you don’t know which. And just as you imagine yourself seizing the day and taking that risk; this other voice storms into your brain from God knows where, spouting all of the reasons that this thing you want to do can’t be done, all of the reasons this is a bad idea, a bad time, a bad moon. That voice seems pretty damned authoritative and before you’ve spit in the sink, your nascent little epiphany has been crushed by it. That voice may sound like the voice of reason, with all its talk about bills and practicality and self-preservation but more than likely, it’s just the fear talking. More »