Topic: Health

What Your Menstrual Cramps Say About You

What Your Menstrual Cramps Say About You

You know how we are always doing “what your… says about you?” Of course you do. They are practically my favorite thing to do. Cosmopolitan has clearly stolen this idea from us, and they are telling you what your menstrual cramps are trying to communicate. Your menstrual cramps are saying that you are dying, probably. Some spoilers, and I’m going to fill in the details they forgot: More »

A Message From St. James Hospital

A Message From St. James Hospital

INT. WHITE ROOM

MARY (a serene-looking woman of about 40)
faces the camera.

MARY
This is Christina.

A picture of CHRISTINE (young, smiling woman)
fills the screen.

MARY
Three years ago, Christina was
diagnosed with a rare form of
blood cancer. Doctors gave her
only months to live. Then she
found St. James Hospital.

A picture of an impressively modern hospital. Sleek. More »

What Red Wine Can Do

What Red Wine Can Do

Red wine can definitely fight the effects of aging.

Red wine will clear up your acne, but it will replace the acne with migraines.

Red wine will enable you to “have it all” but it will give your children autism. If your children already have autism, it will give them a peanut allergy. If your children already have a peanut allergy, it will turn them into human-sized dragonflies.

Red wine is the winning taste in the 2013 Do Us a Flavor Lay’s Potato Chip flavor contest. More »

Welcome To Ironside Fitness

Welcome To Ironside Fitness

INT. DAY. GYM.

Assorted WOMEN in workout clothes climb stepping machines in the background. A LUNKHEAD benches carefully in the free weights area. A class of PILATES ENTHUSIASTS unrolls their mats as a smiling YOUNG WOMAN steps into view and addresses the camera.

WOMAN
Welcome to Ironside Fitness.

She walks past a middle-aged woman concentrating on a set of lat pulldowns and gives her a high-five. More »

Five Foods You Absolutely Must Not Eat

Five Foods You Absolutely Must Not Eat

Anything that can be composted. If it can’t stand up to the ravages of the compost heap, you do not want to know what it’s deteriorating into in your stomach. Better stay on the safe side and give it a miss.

Bananas that slowly change from yellow to spotted to almost entirely brown and then back again, for obvious reasons (the reason is enchantment). Why are you even thinking about eating those bananas? Don’t click on that. Put that down. That’s not food for humans. More »