Topic: Illustrated Guides

Illustrated Guide: How To Become A Hugely Successful Fashion Designer

Illustrated Guide: How To Become A Hugely Successful Fashion Designer

Everyone wants to join the exciting world of fashion: it’s chic, it’s fun, it’s glamorous. And the very best job in the industry? Fashion designer. Fashion designers can do whatever they want, dress however they want, behave however they want and treat people like complete shit without any real consequences because everything they do is an act of self-expression! In fact, being a fashion designer is easily the most fulfilling and creative job in the world. It’s way better than being, like, a social worker or something lame. However, if you want to be a fashion designer, you have to make it first. This week’s Illustrated Guide will teach you how. More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Stay Friends After A Breakup

Illustrated Guide: How To Stay Friends After A Breakup

Recently, a friend and I were discussing the challenge of how to stay friends after a breakup. She was caught between the time-honored dilemma of thinking it was the adult thing to do and wondering what the point of it would be. Well, I’ve heard you, friend, and I’m here to help. This week’s Illustrated Guide offers some helpful tips for trudging through a long, slow, pointless impersonation of congeniality with someone you used to love. More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Ruin Your Boyfriend’s Relationships With His Friends

Illustrated Guide: How To Ruin Your Boyfriend's Relationships With His Friends

If there’s one thing ladymags have taught us, it’s that if you want to be a girlfriend–that’s just a wife without a ring!!–you need to get the approval of “the guys,” that nebulous crew of football-loving, beer-swilling, Halo-playing, Will Ferrell-quoting, broad-chested pals He has. The ladymag advice always amounts to, “memorize some kind of sports statistics” and “suppress yourself.” As much as possible. But we think there’s a more direct route to that ring. Why not just eliminate his friends altogether? Why not just make them disappear? Today’s Illustrated Guide will teach how to get rid of his friends and all their pesky influence. More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Become Famous

Illustrated Guide: How To Become Famous

While zipping around Google recently, I realized that one of the more popular questions across the vaunted search engine was “how to become famous.” Though stubborn autocorrect continued to suggest “how to become anorexic,” the question of the fame seeking yielded 36,700,000 results (“how to become anorexic”? A paltry 147,000). I then decided I must spring into action! With a little help from my own heaving brain, this week’s Illustrated Guide will teach you how to claim the spotlight for your own.

Warning: no one said getting famous was easy. Some may find the following images disturbing. More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Get Perfect Teeth

Illustrated Guide: How To Get Perfect Teeth

Look around you. What do all rich and famous people have in common? Think of every movie star you’ve ever seen. …They all have eerily white, frighteningly uniform, perfectly straight teeth. What else do they have in common? They’re all happy. They’re all truly happy. Don’t you want to be happy like them? This week’s Illustrated Guide will show you how. More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Marry A Wealthy Man

Illustrated Guide: How To Marry A Wealthy Man

Last week, we brought you an Illustrated Guide explaining how to seduce a wealthy man. Here’s what we said:

We’ve devoted a couple Illustrated Guides to the overwhelmingly stupid idea of spending $2000+ on a handbag just for the logo. But don’t worry, ladies, we just haven’t gotten to the convenient loophole: if you can convince someone else to spend $2000 on a handbag and give it to you, you are actually a genius. The only trick is you have to fuck ‘em first.

Wealthy dudes are everywhere right now: doing BDSM stuff and making spreadsheets. The field is wide open. This week’s Guide explains how to land one.

Now, we’re going to teach you how to seal the deal and “marry his credulous ass.” Let’s go! More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Seduce A Wealthy Man

Illustrated Guide: How To Seduce A Wealthy Man

We’ve devoted a couple Illustrated Guides to the overwhelmingly stupid idea of spending $2000+ on a handbag just for the logo. But don’t worry, ladies, we just haven’t gotten to the convenient loophole: if you can convince someone else to spend $2000 on a handbag and then give it to you, you are actually a genius. The only trick is you have to fuck ‘em first.

Wealthy dudes are everywhere right now: doing BDSM stuff and making spreadsheets. The field is wide open. This week’s Guide explains how to land one. More »

Illustrated Guide: What Your Favorite Designer Label Says About You

Illustrated Guide: What Your Favorite Designer Label Says About You

Here at TheGloss, we love making pointless generalizations about people based on arbitrary preference like their handbags and nail shapes. What you may not know is that there is a hard science behind this. Trust us. In this week’s Illustrated Guide, we’re focusing on fashion: what your favorite designer label says about you (and your soul, etc). Now, a quick clarifying point before we go any further: we don’t mean ladies who know Alessandra Facchinetti from Frida Giannini; we mean those who approach fashion in terms of logos, labels and status. For example, once we met a girl who said Alexander McQueen was her favorite designer and–delighted–we asked why. She said, “He’s just really fresh and fun.” That about sums it up. Let’s begin. More »

Illustrated Guide: What To Do If Someone’s Sleeping In Your Bed

Illustrated Guide: What To Do If Someone's Sleeping In Your Bed

Recently, a lady friend of mine expressed that she’s enjoying the newfound freedom of being single (i.e., doing it with whoever she pleases) but she can’t get comfortable sleeping beside effective strangers. Soon after, another lady friend of mine shared the sentiment: the only real bummer to no-strings-attached sex is the problem of what to do after. Kick him out? Move to the couch? Alienate him until he flees? To aid my nice lady friends, I have written and illustrated this helpful guide, “What To Do If Someone’s Sleeping In Your Bed” (and, also, how to get them the hell out). A lot of it is conjecture, but feel free to try. More »

Illustrated Guide: What Your Stupid Designer Handbag Says About You

Illustrated Guide: What Your Stupid Designer Handbag Says About You

You know that obnoxious “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” page of every celebrity weekly? We saw one the other day that featured Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and she was pumping gas or feeding the meter or some shit under that very headline… only she was toting a $10,000 Hermès Birkin. Now, we can think of at least one way Rutherford isn’t just like us: we’re not stupid enough to spend $10k on a goddamn status billboard that carries tampons*. Look, we work in fashion, we see frivolity and conspicuous consumption everyday… and now we’re making fun of it! With crude drawings! Here are some assumptions we make about ladies with specific designer purses–YSL, Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Alexander Wang and more ahead. More »

Illustrated Guide: How To Have Fun At Strip Clubs If You’re A Girl

Illustrated Guide: How To Have Fun At Strip Clubs If You're A Girl

In college, I went to some strip clubs. I’m a girl, so I have a pretty easy time of it at nudie bars: free lap dances, lots of genitals rubbed to and fro about my person, and much free soda. However, many girls don’t realize that they, too, can have fun at strip clubs. In fact, they believe that strip clubs are the dominion of professional football players, cage fighters and men who “get tatted.” They’re wrong! So, I’ve written and “illustrated” this extremely helpful guide to making the most of your strip club experience as a lady. More »