Topic: The Misanthropologist

The Misanthropologist: Cards More Offensive Than Hallmark’s Option For Single Black Mothers

The Misanthropologist: Cards More Offensive Than Hallmark's Option For Single Black Mothers

Business is booming for Hallmark Mahogany, an imprint of Hallmark targeted solely at people with rich mahogany skin. I know because they released a Father’s Day card for black single mothers and I’ve been seeing this shit all over the internet. It gives me hope that Hallmark can make a killing off of perpetuating stereotypes because I’ve been trying to support my nitrous habit for a while (shit is prohibitively expensive) and so started a card company. If a big fish like Hallmark can trade in offensive, insensitive and ill-timed greeting cards, then maybe there’s hope in this world for a little guy like me. More »

The Misanthropologist: How To Send Good D*ck Pics

The Misanthropologist: How To Send Good D*ck Pics

I feel like every column begins with me making an uncomfortable joke about how long it’s been since the last one, like “Ha ha! Sorry! I’ve been in a k-hole for two weeks!” or “You can’t just crank out gold when you’re fucked up on quaaludes, sluts!” or “I’m desperately lonely.”  Anyway, all of that’s true. Mixing Special K and quaaludes is awesome. More »

The Misanthropologist: Dating Based On Musical Preference Is Dumb

The Misanthropologist: Dating Based On Musical Preference Is Dumb

Dear motherfuckers, I have been in a k-hole for a month and I’m pretty sure that’s because 1) I keep doing Special K and 2) am really fucking cool and 3) it may or may not be 1981 but 4) I’m pretty sure all this Special K has skewered my perception of time. Anyway, throughout this whirlwind month, I, The Misanthropologist, stumbled upon a site called Tastebuds.fm, in which pale friendless virgins with record collections can find other pale friendless virgins who think that having the same collection means you’re somehow less alone in the world. And they get you. This, of course, is hilarious bullshit. More »

The Misanthropologist: An Anti-Valentine’s Day Mix-Tape

The Misanthropologist: An Anti-Valentine's Day Mix-Tape

Do you even know about the origin of Valentine’s Day? Some Christian kept putting his cock in glory holes until a lion bit it off. I think at the Coliseum? And then I guess Old Dickless Believer went and told everyone the Romans did it (back when they were feeding Christian dicks to lions all the time because they needed something to watch while trying to be Greek or whatever) and I guess he was made into a Saint because a man without a dick is like a kiss without moustache, like Mick without Keith, like a Jonathan Safran Foer novel without me wanting to put a twee gun in my mouth, More »

The Misanthropologist: Being Pregnant Is Awesome

The Misanthropologist: Being Pregnant Is Awesome

So last week I was sitting in a park, watching babies luxuriate on swings like chubby little sultans and I resented them for it. The next day, I was outside one of the hospitals on my “evening rounds” thinking about babies, still. I was there in that dumpster full of bio-waste, careful not to touch any needles, in search of delicious hospital Jell-O, and thinking, “God, babies are the fucking worst.” And then I looked up into that brick fortress above and More »

The Misanthropologist: Babies Suck

The Misanthropologist: Babies Suck

Sometimes I like to sit in parks and have deep thoughts and look kind of tortured because I’m convinced it makes people think I’m interesting. So I’ll just sit there on a bench, maybe smoke a cigarette, have some coffee, with this kind of furrowed, penetrating, far-and-away gaze.  Most of the time I’m either thinking about where I can score some glue or I’m just not thinking about fucking anything, because I did score some glue. If you’re wondering right now, “What’s wrong with you? It’s way easy to score glue.” My reply to you is, “Not if Rite Aid has your picture on the wall.” Wiseass. Anyway, one day More »

The Misanthropologist: What Singles Can Do With a ‘Couples Vibrator’

The Misanthropologist: What Singles Can Do With a 'Couples Vibrator'

I wanted to entitle this piece, “We Be Vibin’: Things To Do With Your Couples Vibrator If No One Will Fuck You,” but that struck me as wordy. …Anyway, no one will fuck me. Which is why I took it as kind of a devastating blow when the usually nice people at WeVibe (don’t click that, it’s a goddamn vibrator site) sent The Gloss a WeVibe and The Gloss ladies–possessed of a cruel and vociferous wit all–forwarded it along to me. More »